*NEWS*CANON’S ASS-INDUCE COPIER CARNAGE

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*NEWS*CANON’S ASS-INDUCE COPIER CARNAGE

 user 2005-11-28 at 11:18:00 am Views: 82
  • #13110

    Canon braces for arse-induced copier carnage
    Xmas ‘Rear-end’ copying: the chilling truth
     November 2005
    In
    case you hadn’t noticed, Xmas, aka The Holiday Season as it is known
    down at Wal-Mart, is almost upon us. As ever, it is a time for good
    cheer, good will to all men and a good skinful of alcohol followed by
    an attempt to reproduce a likeness of one’s buttocks on the office
    photocopier.
    Of course, it’s the stuff of legend that the
    photocopier’s glass plate then has to break, jamming the machine with a
    half-resolved image of someone’s backside while they explain to
    unimpressed A&E staff why they need 63 stitches in their arse on
    Xmas Eve.
    Well, it’s all horribly true, as a hot-off-the-press Canon
    press release reveals – chronicling the Yuletide travails of the
    company’s 600 highly-trained engineeers as they struggle to cope with a
    surge in “non-work-related” festive copier breakdowns.
    What Canon
    means by “non-work-related” mostly revolves around the aforementioned
    “rear-end copying”. Engineers report a 25 per cent increase in
    emergency call-outs over Xmas, and 32 per cent of the long-suffering
    copier Flying Squad has at some time repaired shattered glass.
    Mind
    you, there’s more to a Canon engineer’s life than extracting a grainy
    likeness of Maureen from Human Resources’ posterior from a wrecked,
    beer-soaked machine. Midlands-based David Salt explained: “I had to
    repair a machine after a customer had held their pet cat down on copy
    glass and copied it,” while Dan Hunt of the South West admitted: “I had
    to repair a machine that had its copy board glass smashed at a military
    base. They eventually admitted that it had fallen out the back door of
    their Chinook Helicopter.”
    Items retrieved from ailing copiers make
    interesting reading too: mice, a sleeping cat, spiders, a crab, a swarm
    of bees, a cockroach, a snake, a kitchen knife, a sausage roll ,
    stockings, dominoes, and a cheque for £6,000.
    Ah yes, and a vibrator and a condom. Now that must have been one hell of an office party.
    We
    understand that Canon has recently increased its glass plate thickness
    from 4 to 5mm, and accordingly expects a reduction in ars