*NEWS*CANON’S ASS-INDUCE COPIER CARNAGE

[Anonymous]

Canon braces for arse-induced copier carnage
Xmas ‘Rear-end’ copying: the chilling truth
 November 2005
In
case you hadn’t noticed, Xmas, aka The Holiday Season as it is known
down at Wal-Mart, is almost upon us. As ever, it is a time for good
cheer, good will to all men and a good skinful of alcohol followed by
an attempt to reproduce a likeness of one’s buttocks on the office
photocopier.
Of course, it’s the stuff of legend that the
photocopier’s glass plate then has to break, jamming the machine with a
half-resolved image of someone’s backside while they explain to
unimpressed A&E staff why they need 63 stitches in their arse on
Xmas Eve.
Well, it’s all horribly true, as a hot-off-the-press Canon
press release reveals – chronicling the Yuletide travails of the
company’s 600 highly-trained engineeers as they struggle to cope with a
surge in “non-work-related” festive copier breakdowns.
What Canon
means by “non-work-related” mostly revolves around the aforementioned
“rear-end copying”. Engineers report a 25 per cent increase in
emergency call-outs over Xmas, and 32 per cent of the long-suffering
copier Flying Squad has at some time repaired shattered glass.
Mind
you, there’s more to a Canon engineer’s life than extracting a grainy
likeness of Maureen from Human Resources’ posterior from a wrecked,
beer-soaked machine. Midlands-based David Salt explained: “I had to
repair a machine after a customer had held their pet cat down on copy
glass and copied it,” while Dan Hunt of the South West admitted: “I had
to repair a machine that had its copy board glass smashed at a military
base. They eventually admitted that it had fallen out the back door of
their Chinook Helicopter.”
Items retrieved from ailing copiers make
interesting reading too: mice, a sleeping cat, spiders, a crab, a swarm
of bees, a cockroach, a snake, a kitchen knife, a sausage roll ,
stockings, dominoes, and a cheque for £6,000.
Ah yes, and a vibrator and a condom. Now that must have been one hell of an office party.
We
understand that Canon has recently increased its glass plate thickness
from 4 to 5mm, and accordingly expects a reduction in ars

[Author]

November 28, 2005 at 11:18 AM